I Love College

In all reality, I don't really love college. I mean I like my classes, and my course load, I like the people that I hang out with, and I like the fact that when I'm done I can help other people, and maybe, just maybe, make a difference. Right now, as i sit in my big brown chair, all I can see are the bad things. These things that make me sad, these are things that i HATE about myself. I hate that I'm so pathetic right now, so sad that no one is near when i need them. I hate that I'm crying right now over someone who cleary doesnt care about my feelings. I hate that the boy I like, doesn't like me, and of he does, doesn't want to do anything about it. I hate that no matter how hard I try I can't hate him for doing it. I completley understand, I'm incompetent at being a best friend Right now, I hate that terrible little four letter word rules my life, and my thoughts... "what can you find to hate yourself today Kait" seems to be the usual consensus that my body makes as soon as I'm alone, without anyone here to make me stop.

I feel lost most of the time, like I don't really know where I am , or what I'm doing. I hate it, I hate this feeling of doubting myself. Usually I try to be confident, confident in myself, the choices I make, and the friends that I have; but now all meaning of those things are gone. and whats left seems to be eating me up, every night that i spend alone. Every night i lie in bed wondering about these things, wondering if one day soon I'll start to feel happy again. Happy like when I'm at home. I hope so.

For now, Im gunna leave, if anyone actually reads this, sorry, but thanks for reading, comment if you want.

Kaitlyn H Wade

Have you ever thought about the vastness of the universe? Doesn't it make you feel small compared to the entire world? for example, compared to the universe, you are a molecule. Anyways its just mind boggling, and as i sat on the deck with my best friends, I found myself thinking about life, and destiny, and questioning my beliefs on the subject. do we have a set path out before us predetermined by a higher power? or do we, as human beings, make our lives what they really are? the people we meet, or the choices we make could theoretically be already laid out, or written in stone. What if we don't have a say, and only think we do? I don't know food for thought I guess and i know these are already philosophical ideas, and some philosophers die trying to figure out every way that our reality isn't ours to begin with. What if we were like rats being led to press a button for cheese, and maybe, if we are, its better not to know. I mean thats like living your whole life thinking you have super strength and then meeting the person that beats you in a fight. You'd feel like everything you've have done up until that moment was a lie, or a sham to entertain somthing else. It would be horrible.

Other than that thought, no other significant thoughts to bring up? what are your thoughts?

Forever and Always,

Kaitlyn

Journey to the End of My Life

Well well well,

I haven't written here in so long, and to all of my dear, non existent followers, I am sorry. Anyways, a lot has been going on in my life, almost a years worth of ups and downs to talk about, the high points involve Dr. horrible, and the manor, and the low points, well we try to forget them. Why do I want to write in this? I asked myself earlier, why is it that when I'm feeling low, I just write in this and it makes feel a slight bit better? To answer my own questions, I think it's because i need an outlet or something, something to make me feel less annoying, to write to something that basically no one will read, this is good because no one can give me condescending looks, or give me pointless advice that different from each person. So i count on you, blogger.com.

Anyways, so lately Ive been feeling overwhelmed, and just not because of myself. It could be because in about three weeks im moving, to a place where only one of my friends live, so ill be virtually alone. or it could be that the boy that i think that i like, and i know likes me isn't man enough to admit it because all of his friends might make fun of him. and it things like this that make me lay on the grass at night, looking up into the star filled sky wondering about life. and the whole reason why I was put here. What is so special about my story that i get to live? What if i mess it up? I think i just mostly wonder about destiny, and if our paths are chosen for us, or if we forge them ourselves. Should I talk to this boy I like?, or should I leave it?, and if he really wants anything will he come with me? Like the saying "if you love something let it go, and if it really loves you it will come back" or is that complete bull shit. And do we have to take things into our own hands and just do it. someone? anyone?

You see what I want to do about this boy situation is have a 2 week trial run, like computers have with new software, to test drive a relationship if you will. I know that sounds odd, but with him its different, he's worried of getting hurt, i think. maybe i'm even completely wrong in saying that. however, i think its a good idea if we do something like that, that way at the end, no one gets hurt and if everything goes well, then awesome we tell me (the two weeks would be secret of course) idk, what do you think? bad idea or good idea?

Loneliness is a funny thing, with me I try and put all those negative feelings into things that keep me busy, like this play, or my friendships. That way when i mess up or forget things I can blame it on the stress of whatever i am doing in that particular length of time. But, alas, it all comes back when im lying in bed at night, or mowing lawns at work, times when its just me and my brain, thinking of different scenarios, or things that i should have done. Basically i think about regrets and how if i only had a time machine. but this is getting a little redundant.

So to sum things up, at this moment my life isn't so great. Maybe when this play is over, or this boy comes to his senses, life will be more bearable. But until then i have my boys, and jessie and leigh to help me overcome whatever obstacle i might face in the near future. So until next time. kaitlyn is out.

Love Is

How does any one person know what love really is? I mean people try to explain this human emotion as the strongest, most magical thing anyone has ever received or encountered. Is there one feeling that we can associate to love? like we associate the feelings of anger and jealousy? or is it true. Love is the one magical thing this world has to offer.

My interpretation of this four letter word confuses me, because, to me, there are so many different levels of it. there is family love, friend love, and romantic love. And the word is thrown around so loosely now a days that i think the meaning has truly been lost. I'm guilty of it as well, as i do throw it around. But that, again, is my point. How does one know there are in love with that said person. Do they know when they cannot seem to be separated from them? Do they know when they look at said person and there heart seems to descend out of their body? I don't actually know and my inquisitive mind is longing to find out.

A girl I know, told me that love is about trust, and if you can trust this person fully you must love them, which i think is a legitimate example of what love could be. but then Saleh said something that almost made me wanna cry and it was" Love is many things to me. Love is when two people can look at each other for an hour without breaking their smiles. Love is the ability to erase all negative emotions within oneself just at the sight of their special someone. Love is the true longing to never be separated from that special someone.

But most importantly, love is the feeling you get when your heart comes alive, when it becomes more noticeable than anything around you or inside you, all due to the heavenly thoughts about that special someone."

As i read this im thinking this could be true, but so could a world of other possibilities just waiting to be discovered. And hopefully when it is, there wont be word to describe it or question it. because according to J.K Rowling. love is the greatest protector in the world. Love Conquers all. I just hope it lives up to the hype.

thats all for now, xoxo.

Kait

Bones Shatter

Well this is officially the last friday of summer :(. And as of Tuesday, I will be back at Dundas, Doing classes Ive already completed. Doing the same things over and over again, well most of my friends are off at university, having fun., and living university lives. And me, back at Dundas being a failure. And I know. Im complaining, and i don't really care, I have a blog therefore I am a selfish person. And i want people to feel good about themselves for reading this..
Henceforth, Ive been feeling like my life, as of the moment, is stuck on pause. It's like I'm just waiting for something big to happen, so that I can finally wake up, and realize what around me is exactly going on. I know, this sounds like stupid teenage drama, and in one fact it is, and in one fact, it could be me, finally telling the world how obbsessive compulsive I can be with the people and the things happening around me. Aren't I awesome at hiding things..

So i started this entry yesterday, and today, saturday, some of my best friends moved into residence, starting the rest of thier lives. And, I'm at home, living vicariously through them, In hopes that next year, i will be right there with them, sharing the joy, and experience. Although, i will be a year older than basically everyone starting... Oh well, right. Suck it up princess as my friend Josh would say.. Suck It Up. Basically, what I've been doing with everyone. ALL the time. Sucking it up, Sucking up thier lies, their insults. Sucking up thier problems, whilst putting mine aside waiting for the right person to come along to tell them too. And here i am... still waiting.. being on pause...for how long. i dont really know.

Thanks for listening.. whoever actually still reads this...
Kait <3

Unanswered Prayers

A higher power is known to basically all religious forms of humanity, and because of this we go through life filling our heads with the fickle realization that maybe, after this is all over, it gets better. Whether we walk down gold streets or we sit and talk with our deceased love ones. I guess in once sence Heaven is whatever paradise you believe it to be...
I think the thing with God, or the lord, is that he wants to be with you, constantly, and he equally wants you to be with him as well, I guess what my big issue is that how do you believe in said higher power, or better yet how do you know what it is? And if it is a legit thing, how could you possibly know what it wants you to do? and what if you're not listening close enough to the spirited world that you lose your ticket, your one and only way to the individual paradise?
These questions have brought me to think about death, and life. To wonder if because i havnt listened, or prayed, or went to church, that there is no after life for me, about a week and a half ago i was sitting lisetning to a girl talk about Jesus Christ, she is talking about beliefs. Beliefs to work for him, and in my own opinion God, the holy father, should technically not want to be the boss of any of his "children" ( and what kind of father lets his children fornicate ahah jk jk) I think that he should not want to have "workers" to spread his name.
Although we are his sheep in the pasture, it says is the book of phillip... to beware of the dogs, and the things that go bump in the night. We should protect our virtues, to keep them away from these metaphorical dogs ( being sins). This sort of thing makes you that you should sit back and wonder to yourself if you are doing everything correctly. And what I think that to be human you need to make mistakes. you needn't always protect your virtues.
Personally, It is hard to think that god is not at any part human, or taking human form, because he can get into your head, know everyting, and hear your prayers. sometimes he just chooses not to answer. And why is God always a guy? maybe he is both. OR a whole new breed. neither male nor female! But most importantly, no human could forgive that much anger, hatred, and disrespect. It would either simply not care what anyone did, or it would build up so much angst that me would eventually blow up.
That is mostly my thoughts about this whole god thing. till next time.
Kait <3

Fast Cars and Freedom

Well School is Done and I am an OFFICIAL high school grad! yay me. Although i Failed Chemistry it's been a good run, in my opinion. I know that I can be Annoying, dellusional,awesome, crazy,nd many other things. Also, I have been known for drama to follow me around EVERYWHERE. But, hey i Made life interesting. Now, I am going back to school, in the fall, But I Suspect most of my free time will be spent at Ottawa U. as all my besties are attending there. With my usual visit to Queens of course. To see my Beloved Jesse, and Laurena! haha. Well I suspect My GPA will be substanially low this year. As I am Stupid. haha

OMG OMG OMG! My party is in like ONE FLIPPING DAY! ahh, i cant fathom this. It is going to be SUPER AWESOME! of course whomever is way cool enough to want to come is for sure allowed. Its going to be awesome and a half.

But i really have nothing else to write. exceot for that Im FREE!!!