I Love College

In all reality, I don't really love college. I mean I like my classes, and my course load, I like the people that I hang out with, and I like the fact that when I'm done I can help other people, and maybe, just maybe, make a difference. Right now, as i sit in my big brown chair, all I can see are the bad things. These things that make me sad, these are things that i HATE about myself. I hate that I'm so pathetic right now, so sad that no one is near when i need them. I hate that I'm crying right now over someone who cleary doesnt care about my feelings. I hate that the boy I like, doesn't like me, and of he does, doesn't want to do anything about it. I hate that no matter how hard I try I can't hate him for doing it. I completley understand, I'm incompetent at being a best friend Right now, I hate that terrible little four letter word rules my life, and my thoughts... "what can you find to hate yourself today Kait" seems to be the usual consensus that my body makes as soon as I'm alone, without anyone here to make me stop.

I feel lost most of the time, like I don't really know where I am , or what I'm doing. I hate it, I hate this feeling of doubting myself. Usually I try to be confident, confident in myself, the choices I make, and the friends that I have; but now all meaning of those things are gone. and whats left seems to be eating me up, every night that i spend alone. Every night i lie in bed wondering about these things, wondering if one day soon I'll start to feel happy again. Happy like when I'm at home. I hope so.

For now, Im gunna leave, if anyone actually reads this, sorry, but thanks for reading, comment if you want.

Kaitlyn H Wade

Have you ever thought about the vastness of the universe? Doesn't it make you feel small compared to the entire world? for example, compared to the universe, you are a molecule. Anyways its just mind boggling, and as i sat on the deck with my best friends, I found myself thinking about life, and destiny, and questioning my beliefs on the subject. do we have a set path out before us predetermined by a higher power? or do we, as human beings, make our lives what they really are? the people we meet, or the choices we make could theoretically be already laid out, or written in stone. What if we don't have a say, and only think we do? I don't know food for thought I guess and i know these are already philosophical ideas, and some philosophers die trying to figure out every way that our reality isn't ours to begin with. What if we were like rats being led to press a button for cheese, and maybe, if we are, its better not to know. I mean thats like living your whole life thinking you have super strength and then meeting the person that beats you in a fight. You'd feel like everything you've have done up until that moment was a lie, or a sham to entertain somthing else. It would be horrible.

Other than that thought, no other significant thoughts to bring up? what are your thoughts?

Forever and Always,

Kaitlyn

Journey to the End of My Life

Well well well,

I haven't written here in so long, and to all of my dear, non existent followers, I am sorry. Anyways, a lot has been going on in my life, almost a years worth of ups and downs to talk about, the high points involve Dr. horrible, and the manor, and the low points, well we try to forget them. Why do I want to write in this? I asked myself earlier, why is it that when I'm feeling low, I just write in this and it makes feel a slight bit better? To answer my own questions, I think it's because i need an outlet or something, something to make me feel less annoying, to write to something that basically no one will read, this is good because no one can give me condescending looks, or give me pointless advice that different from each person. So i count on you, blogger.com.

Anyways, so lately Ive been feeling overwhelmed, and just not because of myself. It could be because in about three weeks im moving, to a place where only one of my friends live, so ill be virtually alone. or it could be that the boy that i think that i like, and i know likes me isn't man enough to admit it because all of his friends might make fun of him. and it things like this that make me lay on the grass at night, looking up into the star filled sky wondering about life. and the whole reason why I was put here. What is so special about my story that i get to live? What if i mess it up? I think i just mostly wonder about destiny, and if our paths are chosen for us, or if we forge them ourselves. Should I talk to this boy I like?, or should I leave it?, and if he really wants anything will he come with me? Like the saying "if you love something let it go, and if it really loves you it will come back" or is that complete bull shit. And do we have to take things into our own hands and just do it. someone? anyone?

You see what I want to do about this boy situation is have a 2 week trial run, like computers have with new software, to test drive a relationship if you will. I know that sounds odd, but with him its different, he's worried of getting hurt, i think. maybe i'm even completely wrong in saying that. however, i think its a good idea if we do something like that, that way at the end, no one gets hurt and if everything goes well, then awesome we tell me (the two weeks would be secret of course) idk, what do you think? bad idea or good idea?

Loneliness is a funny thing, with me I try and put all those negative feelings into things that keep me busy, like this play, or my friendships. That way when i mess up or forget things I can blame it on the stress of whatever i am doing in that particular length of time. But, alas, it all comes back when im lying in bed at night, or mowing lawns at work, times when its just me and my brain, thinking of different scenarios, or things that i should have done. Basically i think about regrets and how if i only had a time machine. but this is getting a little redundant.

So to sum things up, at this moment my life isn't so great. Maybe when this play is over, or this boy comes to his senses, life will be more bearable. But until then i have my boys, and jessie and leigh to help me overcome whatever obstacle i might face in the near future. So until next time. kaitlyn is out.